It is that time of year. Beach season! Being a Pisces, I love the water, like love!!! I am the first one in the water and could stay in all day. However, with water, comes the need to wear a bathing suit. (Insert dramatic transition noise “Bum Bum Bum” lol)
Before I lost 120 pounds, I never had an issue wearing a two-piece bathing suit. Did I wear a string bikini? No. But did I rock the shit out of a tankini or high-waist bathing suit? Hell yes!
In fact, I felt really confidant wearing a two-piece bathing suit at 300-pounds. I knew how to wear clothes for my body shape. Specifically, I knew how to accentuate the parts of my body that I wanted to and I knew how to conceal parts of my body that I did not find flattering. It was easy for me. I loved being big and beautiful.
Over this past Memorial Day weekend, I went to the beach, per usual. I decided to wear a bikini that I had recently purchased. But something happened.
I was extremely nervous and unsure of myself when I arrived to the beach in my new size M/L bikini. It took me a few minutes before I agreed to take off my sundress.
Why is this though? I have been working on my health over this past year and am extremely proud of myself. It did not make sense that I was feeling insecure in the bathing suit, especially considering I wore two-piece suits when I was larger. While I did eventually come around and embrace/rock the shit out of this new bathing suit, it took me longer than expected.
I spent the afternoon pondering about why I reacted the way I did. For me, I realized that being healthier does not necessarily equate to me being more happier with my body. In fact, I came to the conclusion that I was more comfortable in my larger body than I am now in my smaller body. I knew how to work my angles and shape at a larger size because it was all I ever knew. This past weekend I have come to understand that embracing my new body is going to take sometime, as frustrating as it is.
Moving forward, I promised myself not to let my nervousness hinder my ability to be proud of my progress and my body. I focused on the positive part of this experience and brushed away the negative concerns (so as not to bring validity to them). I refuse to give negativity the power to control me. With that, I spent the rest of the afternoon lounging in the sun with my love and playing in the water. I had a blast and went home feeling good about myself. My beach body is ready.